Memo to Council

MEMORANDUM

To : Councillor Bernie, Councillor Brad

From : Mayor Bob

Re: Marker fumes and Downtown

Bernie, I hope you feel better after inhaling those marker fumes yesterday.

I just wanted to tell both of you how proud I was at what we accomplished yesterday. I have long been a proponent of our downtown and I am glad we’re making an effort to pour money into it regardless of what it accomplishes.

As I said yesterday, there are 256 agencies downtown, supplying almost 400 services in that community. The community they serve deserves to have as much public money as possible wasted on trying to stop them. If we can ensure these services are run as poorly as possible, it will surely benefit all of us.

Keep the faith, and enjoy the fumes.

Mayor Bob

My notes from Greater Toronto Summit

Gas, Grass, or … um, anyway, everybody rides for free

I cannot catch a break, blogsite readers.

First I save money, selflessly, from my own budget and give it away, selflessly, to charity.

And now grasscycling! While at first I thought this meant we had found a new way to add bike lanes without removing one of the sacred six one-way lanes on our major downtown streets, it’s not about that at all. But regardless of what this lawnbiking is, exactly, it seems that the idea of a few blades of grass occasionally blowing down the street grates so much on a suburban councillor, the city will not get to save money there either.

Let me tell you, the people of Ward 6 are lucky to have grass flying everywhere on windy days. I’m not sure what comes blowing down our streets in Ward 2 but I don’t think you can collect it for personal use in your backyard without breaking a few laws.

Some of my closest advisors and Hamilton’s greatest business leaders tell me that their front lawns, over in Halton, are always full of grass clippings, so I guess that could work here. I was on the phone with Ricky last Wednesday and he was going on and on about environmental sustainability and how grasscycling saves money, time, and energy … I don’t really remember the details. I had to hang up on him because the local paper had just arrived for a photo-op.

On the other hand, continuing to collect all this grass may not be so bad for Hamilton. We’ll need some turf to replace Brian Timmis Stadium, and you can transplant grass, right? (That’s what Brother Michael and I had to do, quickly, one night.)

RE: “Mayor defends $10,000 donation to United Way”, Feb. 4

Dear Sirs,

I thought the agreement was you would run a glowing story about my generosity in return for my helping you fill newshole. You had no problem printing that story before some councillors and anonymous complainers of dubious legitimacy raised a stink.

Besides, just because I call the media to my office so I can pose for pictures with a $10,000 oversized novelty cheque doesn’t mean I’ve actually made a donation of $10,000. If we finish 2-16 this upcoming year, will you describe us as a 16-loss team? Well, you shouldn’t! It only means we had sixteen separate one-game losing streaks. It’s just a matter of how we do the paperwork.

However, in light of the public opposition, I am happy to announce that future savings will be invested back into the city. In fact, every month from now on, 33 new city hall employees will have $299 one-year subscriptions to Red Hat Enterprise Linux. And you can’t get that for free.

Mayor Bob
Hamilton (for now), Ontario

Memo to Council

MEMORANDUM

To : Council members

From : Mayor Bob

Re: Brian TIMMIS Stadium

It has repeatedly come to my attention that everyone from members of the public, to my esteemed colleagues from CHML (and including you the council members), is using the phrase “Brian Timmins Stadium” to refer to Brian Timmis Stadium.

This practice must cease immediately. Please note that Brian TIMMIS and not TIMMINS is to be used at all times.

Please use your ears when speaking on the subject of Brian TIMMIS Stadium. The “is” sound and the “ins” sound are distinct. There is no “Brian Timmins Stadium”. I mean no disrespect to Timmins, which I am sure is a lovely place.

Besides which, it is disrespectful to us as a football team. I asked Pegs to get Scott Mitchell for me, and I spoke to his assistant directly. Scott’s assistant tells me that Brian Timmis (THAT IS TIMMIS and NOT TIMMINS) won Grey Cups with the Hamilton Tigers as a player and with the Hamilton Wildcats as a coach, and both of those teams are our predecessors. He is a great Hamiltonian and should be given the respect he deserves. Brian TIMMIS. TIMMIS.

All of which is distinct from Timmies, of course, which is where my staff get me coffee.

That… that was a joke, sorry. You can delete that. Brian TIMMIS, please. Let us respect this great figure when speaking of the stadium named for him.

At least until we knock it down.

Perhaps Timmins will give the Ticats some money for naming the parking lot we are building there. Or Timmies. For now, please, TIMMIS.

TIMMIS. Thank you, I expect to hear compliance forthwith. Can you ask Pegs to ask someone to grab me a Timmies please.

Mayor Bob

/dictated not read

RE: News editor, CBC Hamilton

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to express my newfound interest in the position of news editor at the proposed CBC Hamilton station. Many things qualify me to be an expert on Hamilton issues: I have served the City of Hamilton well as a radio talk show host, I have a close relationship with many local sports leaders and developers, and I am willing to relocate to Burlington.

Most of my recent broadcasts have highlighted the importance of football to our community, but if sports news is not expected to be a focus of CBC Hamilton, I have many insights to offer on other economic issues. These include the ongoing development of the aerotropolis, which I have followed closely for more than ten years now, and our diverse economic development clusters such as heavy manufacturing and traditional manufacturing.

Please note that while I am currently employed, I do not expect it to be a problem should I choose to pursue other opportunities soon. I look forward to a job that allows me to give Hamilton a voice on a greater stage, and I hope to hear from you as soon as we can schedule a time to check any voice messages sent to me on the telephone hookup.

On the other hand, if you are not serious about expanding to Hamilton, you may consider my application withdrawn. This is not good use of my time dealing with job postings of dubious legitimacy.

Best,
Bob

PS If you need an arts reporter my friend Brad can do Michael Buble reviews.

Here whether you like it or not

Recent events make me want to throw a pen in jubilation.

First, we were able to find a stadium solution that works for us and we. Ever since I voted in favour of the west harbour stadium I knew Ivor Wynne was the best place for we to play, and I am thankful we will call it our home for many years to come. There’s nothing more important to the City of Hamilton than having a winning football team. After all, just as we boast a better all-time record than other CFL teams like Sacramento, Las Vegas, and Shreveport, so too is our local economy in better shape than those cities.

Earlier in the week, we followed through on a promise to achieve a more affordable future in Hamilton by cutting costs in the mayor’s office and removing all scheduling tools such as calendars, day planners, and While You Were Out notepads. Thanks to my selfless conservation of taxpayers’ dollars, I was able to give their money away and get my picture in the paper. (I’m not sure who received the money, because I didn’t get a thank-you hat from Bob Young this morning. I do hope he didn’t forget.)

And last night the two men who split the vote and delivered around my neck the chain of office of this fine city (not including Ancaster, Flamborough, Dundas, Stoney Creek, or Glanbrook) provided a huge economic injection into my beloved Ward 2 by attending a “Froast” in nearby Ward 1. Not to mention that many of Hamilton’s biggest leaders left their homes in Burlington to attend this charity event for the less fortunate former mayors in our community. I send a pealess thank you in your direction, Ron Foxcroft!

In sum, there is much for Hamiltonians to celebrate lately. After so many disappointments our time has finally come.