Apology

I just wanted to let you all know how sorry you are for misunderstanding my comments regarding that raise that no one in particular gave to Pegs.

When I said

HR reviewed Peggy’s employment status and found that she was vastly undercompensated

and then I said

I didn’t give a raise, she didn’t ask for a raise.

and then I said

HR evaluates everything. I didn’t ask for it. It came from HR.

you all thought that HR gave Pegs a raise! I know how it is. Sometimes you’re in a hurry, and you don’t hear what you mean. So, you’re sorry. Obviously, I regret the inference. The inference you all made, from those comments. Regrettable, for sure!

You’ll be glad to know, we’re putting it through as 100 separate raises of $300 each, so no one has any concerns, and we’re putting this unfortunate distraction behind us. Although I have to speak my mind here, you should be ashamed to only be giving her a raise of $300! She’ll never be able to afford a house in Burlington now!

Next time you all have a question about how the city spends its money, we’ll avoid the misunderstandings. I won’t speak to you at all.

I WIN!

Hey Bobberbloggers! I think yesterday’s State of the City went about as well as I could have hoped. I would have loved to have it in City Hall, but I think we can all agree that it seems impossible to get anywhere downtown (what with the traffic!) so we thought it would be most convenient for everyone to have it in Flamborough. Back in the old days, before the Mayor Bob! era, we used to have it in three places, one of them in the centre of the city. But Pegs and I thought – quite rightly! – that it was fairest if we just had it once this year, so that if you needed to take HSR to get there you wouldn’t have to bother. Instead, we gave everyone a driveway-to-driveway experience!

That’s being everyone’s mayor.

So all that aside, can I just say I AM WINNING!? I beat the pants of that Kitchen guy! After all, Maple Leaf doesn’t belong in the kitchen – it belongs in the dining room baby!

I WON MAPLE LEAF! It’s a great feeling that I can finally put one up in the win column. It really breaks up the monotony of all those one-loss streaks. I know I haven’t been around much, and I am sorry for that. The city’s looking great – except maybe for… oh, I don’t want to say in public.

When I was getting ready for my big speech, it occurred to me that it had been far too long since I’d given anything to my partner in city-building, Bob Young. Since the Future Fund is empty, all I could give him right now was a shout-out, but thanks to Bob for bringing business into our city instead of Moncton. Talk about a commitment to city-building!

As for rapid transit, we and the entire rapid transit office (NOTE TO DRAFT: Pegs, is there anyone else left there?) are nothing less than fully committed to GO Transit. I want to be remembered as the Mayor who encouraged EVERYONE in Hamilton to hop a train to Toronto! Because Hamilton is going places!

At City Hall, I’m sure the room would have been packed with nosy journalists who think I owe their readers something. At State of the City, the room was packed with the city’s business elite! Great choice to put it at Carlisle Golf & Country Club, so convenient to their homes in Burlington.

Now finally, as you all know, most of my speech was spent talking about the media. Like they say, “write what you know”. And I know one thing: I’ve been getting a lot of flak. The papers, councillors, the Spec, constitutents, The Spectator, citizens, the Hamilton Spectator, business leaders, and even our daily newspaper have been all over me for some of the things I’ve been doing. I don’t think that’s fair. If they aren’t getting my own words, without them being mediated by some journalist, people are going to be misinformed about me. I’ve worked a long time in the media, and anyone who’s ever worked with me has always given me a fair shake and supported me to the hilt.

That’s all I ask.

So for all my critics, remember: next time, don’t come to a State of the City right after a BIG WIN for Mayor Bob. In fact, I’d rather you not speak to me at all. See you next year somewhere in South Glanbrook!

Rolling with the punches

I’ve had little time to write here lately, being so busy answering all the city hall media inquiries. But I prefer not to think of it as one two-month absence from the blogsite, but rather 21 absences of three days each. It’s just a matter of how we do the paperwork.

I also would have posted something sooner if I didn’t have to go to all those Buble concerts with MP Brad–er, I mean, Councillor Brad. “Toledo and Pittsburgh in June!” he says. Well, I suppose we all have a cross to bear. (Or a chain of office to wear, am I right? Eat ‘em raw!)

As for my rocky relationship with the media, talk about exaggeration. I throw ONE rock at ONE reporter six years ago and that defines me for the rest of my political career. And here I thought the Spec wanted to provide more information, factual or otherwise. Quoting contradictory statements from city staff should be right up their alley!

The complainers = BOORism Hamilton

I cannot believe the bad press Tourism Hamilton is getting lately. Have you not seen the tourists we get every year? These people spent millions and millions in the city, and every last one of them would have visited Brantford if not for Tourism Hamilton’s efforts.

To the naysayers, I say these people work tirelessly to ensure their website has a list of all nine hotels in the city. You wouldn’t know about obscure events like the Dundas Cactus Festival if not for TH (or TH2, as I call them to distinguish them from TH1, where I get my morning coffee, and man that’s good coffee on some days, especially the cold ones like today). You want to see another classic rock cover band? Tourism Hamilton will tell you exactly where you can hear “The Weight” this time.

And you may laugh at the Hamilton Psychic Expo, but if anyone knows how we’re going to revitalize our beautiful downtown, it’s them.

There’s no conflict of interest here; my interest is in promoting Hamilton, not having a conflict over the cost. At the very least, I want Tourism Hamilton to continue developing as many logos as possible.

Bottom line, I can think of much worse ways to spend $1.4 million.

Thoughts on data, on a milestone day

First of all, people have been making fuss over my first 100 days in power, but a) I’ve been in power for longer than that, if you know what I mean, and b) I always give 110% so what really matters to me is my first 110 days, which is where we are now.

Now, on to new business. Larry the Lobbyist was here the other day (yes, again) advocating for closed data, which as I understand it involves sealing away unusable data in an underwater concrete block.

(People seemed to know Larry; I guess he used to work here or something.)

I, of course, am against this. I want to see our data dealt with in the most responsible manner, and if it has to be dredged up and sent down the road to whoever will take it, so be it.

But that should not be necessary. Hamilton is the innovation centre at the end of the universe and we should be able to concoct new methods of keeping our data away from our citizenry.

Ricky, Boy Mayor suggested “data mining” as another possible solution for this mess, but I don’t know what he’s thinking over there. I’m mayor now, the world is changing, and Hamilton’s economy is too diverse to rely on large mine operations.

Besides, the only weapon you need to hold the system accountable is the right friends.

Fellow Citizens

It may have given you some alarm to see that I am, apparently, dying. Well let me quash that rumor right away. I am fine! Careful reading will tell you that it’s only as if I were dying. And really, I only feel like that when we get a smog inversion over the city in August. And even then, with one less plant to worry about now, pretty soon I think we’ll be golden!

However, if it may give you some comfort, let me assure that if I do pass on from this great city of Hamilton, let me assure you I will be going to a better place. I am told Burlington has a $9 million surplus and maybe no 2011 property tax increases! And all my fellow movers and shakers in this great city of Hamilton assure me they love living in Burlington.

See you on the other side?

MEDIA ADVISORY: AIRPLANE TOSS

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

HAMILTON, March 8 — Mayor Bob will hold a play for the media tomorrow, Wednesday, March 9, in council chambers, to celebrate the expansion of WestJet’s strategic presence in Hamilton.

Media are invited to bring whatever camera equipment will most easily capture a WestJet model plane as it is thrown across the room.

Note that Mayor Bob will not be taking any questions that were not asked of his predecessor four years ago.

WHAT: WestJet Ceremonial Airplane Toss
WHEN: Wednesday, March 9, 10:00 a.m. to 10:02 a.m.
WHERE: Hamilton City Hall
WHO: Mayor Bob, unfortunate model airplane

For further information, contact:
Pegs

-30-

Carry on, my WestJet one

Let me join The Spec’s business section in singing the praises of WestJet, who have always been a strong partner with the Hamilton airport ever since they moved their eastern hub of operations from Munro to Pearson.

Now some may say the airport is in bad shape under its local leadership, and I’ll admit that I felt the same way for a little bit while I was trying to get Toronto to take it over. But I am reassured when I see our airport president out there every day changing the aviation landscape in this city by getting things done for Hamilton’s truckers.

This isn’t just good for Hamilton, though. CFL fans will be pleased, because we now offer driveway-to-airport-to-airport-to-driveway service for those hoping to catch our home game in Moncton, and since WestJet flights do not offer on-board meals, those in this city who worry about free lunches will have no issue with this expanded service.

It just goes to show you that the lines of communication are always open in Hamilton, even when the skies are not.

Open Letter to Ingvar Kamprad

Dear Sir,

I am writing you today to urge you to reconsider your plans for expansion.

The advantages for relocating to Hamilton are clear. We have 575 more people of Swedish origin in the City of Hamilton than they do in Burlington. You enjoy your current 905 location directly off a highway, yet we can offer lots of space on a larger, busier highway (Main Street) here in Hamilton. Being the No. 1 tourist attraction in Halton is nice, but you would qualify as Nos. 1, 4, and 6 here in the Hammer. And there are thousands of laid-off manufacturing workers in Ward 2 who would be happy to receive minimum wage, and all the hex keys they want, in exchange for assembling your fine perfectly servicable furniture day after day.

(You will have to get rid of the FREDEN line, though. I won’t follow that.)

We do math differently in Hamilton, so let me be clear on the numbers: you wish to expand to a 428,500-square-foot location, 3.5 times the size of Copps Coliseum? Well, we have a barely-used 122,458-square-foot location in our downtown that is the same size as Copps Coliseum! That leaves 300,000 square feet, 250,000 of which are already available at your current location, so there is no need to relocate in Burlington. (The other 50,000 can be found here and there: we could offer you some space at Aberdeen and Longwood, in Aldershot, or in Moncton…)

Unlike most people who desire the better things in life, Hamiltonians prefer making do with what they have. In fact you share our philosophy: like that one room in your store, Hamilton comes as-is, and like the rest of the store, you can only travel one way at a time here.

I hope this letter finds you well, and feel free to call me on the telephone hookup if you have further questions.

I can also offer a $10,000 donation if you are short on capital.

Tack så mycket,
Borgmästare Bob

Memo to Council

MEMORANDUM

To : Councillor Bernie, Councillor Brad

From : Mayor Bob

Re: Marker fumes and Downtown

Bernie, I hope you feel better after inhaling those marker fumes yesterday.

I just wanted to tell both of you how proud I was at what we accomplished yesterday. I have long been a proponent of our downtown and I am glad we’re making an effort to pour money into it regardless of what it accomplishes.

As I said yesterday, there are 256 agencies downtown, supplying almost 400 services in that community. The community they serve deserves to have as much public money as possible wasted on trying to stop them. If we can ensure these services are run as poorly as possible, it will surely benefit all of us.

Keep the faith, and enjoy the fumes.

Mayor Bob